How a Breakup Led Me to the Coaching Approach That Changed Everything
photo by Matthew Septimus
It ended when a part of me said, “You need to leave.”
At the time, I didn’t fully understand what had happened — only that something inside me had firmly (and loudly) stood up and said “no more.” It didn’t bargain or give ultimatums. It was just done.
Looking back, I see now that this part had been waiting for me to notice it. To let it protect me. And when it finally stepped forward, it did so with groundedness, clarity, and a resolute drive I hadn’t felt in a long time.
I was in a relationship with someone I cared about deeply, but I kept overriding myself — ignoring what didn’t feel good, rationalizing red flags, trying to caretake the dynamic at the expense of my own well-being. I had been operating like that for years, if I’m honest. But something in me shifted after one too many boundary crossings. I didn’t know it yet, but a protector part had taken the wheel — not out of fear, but out of fierce loyalty to my Self.
Later, during a therapy session, I described the moment when I finally walked away — like a part I had never met before spoke up with urgent clarity. It knew what needed to be done, and it was courageous.
My therapist paused and then asked, “Have you ever heard of Internal Family Systems?”
She wasn’t trained in it, so we didn’t explore it together — but that question sparked something. I started researching. I read Richard Schwartz’s books No Bad Parts and You Are the One You’ve Been Waiting For. I listened to IFS Talks, a fantastic podcast. Something in me immediately recognized the truth of what I was reading and hearing. These weren’t abstract psychological concepts — they were describing the exact terrain I’d been navigating internally, without having language for it.
It was like someone turned the lights on in my house, and I realized there were others living in it besides me — caring internal family members who needed my awareness and conversation. And sometimes they got loud when they felt ignored and bypassed for too long.
I learned that we all have parts — internal protectors, wounded exiles, striving managers — and beneath all of them is a core Self: calm, curious, compassionate, courageous. That landed hard. I wasn’t broken or conflicted. I was a system, trying to manage and protect itself the best way it knew how. And I needed to tune in and listen.
Eventually, I knew I had to learn this framework not just for myself, but for the people I work with. I had already completed my foundational training at CoachU, where I gained essential tools for presence, trust-building, and client-led growth. That training gave me my footing. But IFS gave me the depth I’d been craving.
So I enrolled in the IFS Foundations for Coaches Training through the official IFS Institute. This wasn’t therapy training. It was designed for coaches like me — people working in a professional coaching scope who wanted to apply IFS principles responsibly, ethically, and with skill.
During training, I got to work with IFS-trained coaches myself. That’s when I saw how powerful this model could be in a coaching container — not to diagnose or fix, but to witness, listen, stay with uncomfortable moments, and invite inner clarity and collaboration to emerge. Always with respect, permission, and deep attunement to what the system is ready for.
In my coaching practice, I was already holding space for what’s inside to come forward. With the IFS lens, I now listen for the parts that speak between the lines. I notice when someone’s words and energy are in two different places. I reflect what’s true in the moment — without interpretation or meaning-making. And more often than not, clients begin to hear themselves more clearly just by being witnessed and seen this way.
The IFS lens isn’t something I tack on. It’s the ground I stand on — in coaching, in design, in partnership, and in my relationship with myself.
If you're in a place of transition — between careers, identities, or chapters of life — and you want support that honors all of who you are, I’ll walk with you. Together, we’ll reconnect with the calm, curious, compassionate, creative, and courageous qualities already within you.
